Yeah... I know I've been gone a long time... It's just been a crazy time... A lot's gone on. A lot's changed. I've changed. And it's not all good...
I still feel a bit shit. Ok, very shit. I don't feel as left out as I used to. I've been talking to my mates a lot more recently, and they understand how I feel and are helping me along. They realised that all the time they spent with their partners not only made me feel incredibly useless, ugly and relationship-unworthy, but made me feel like I was sitting on the outer circle of our friends circle despite them raving on about how I 'got them together, am the glue holding the group together' and so on. They're helping as best as they can. But the problem seems to be a lot more deep seated than I thought... It feels like I can't bear to be alone. All my friends - bar 2, who live too far away to spend much time with - are in relationships. And it still means I'm often left alone.
I used to love spending time on my own, just thinking and getting myself sorted. But it feels like I can't do that anymore. Every time I'm alone nowadays, I feel like shit, and can't get myself out of this hideous rut, getting me really low and often breaking down. But I don't entirely get why! I mean, things with my friends are better than ever, things at home are great (I'm actually CHOOSING to spend the weekend with the family!), uni is going fine, I'm comfortable financially. Things are going well EVERYWHERE apart from love life.
This is where the taboo topic comes in... I've been going on websites to find just casual hook-ups. I've met 1 guy so far, and am thinking about a couple of more guys... What makes it worse is that the one guy I like has made it clear he wants nothing more than a bit of casual fun. Which is fine, seeing as that's what I signed up for (Literally!), but it does hurt that yet again, someone I like just isn't interested.
Talking to guys I like who aren't interested, lets go to my mate, W. Now, I really - and I mean REALLY - liked him. But that went down hill. He was giving signs and all, and I thought oo this could go somewhere! But then it turns out he wasn't interested. And not just that, he asked me about my housemate. Which then pissed me off and made me shout at my housemate, who happens to be a brilliant friend of mine. So that fucked me over. Majorly. And things are just getting on top of me in that department - and not in a good way. There's too much to talk about right now. It's late. I'm tired. And I'm on the verge of tears, anyway. So while this will be the end of this post, fear not. There will be many, MANY more posts to come in the next few weeks. I've got a lot to rant about. And it'll just keep coming...
So ciao for now, my long lost friends! It feels good to be back. Rant over. For now.