Home At Last

Ok so I was meant to be doing the video bloggyness, but unfortunately, it seems the media upload limit is only 200 MB per upload and my shortest video so far is over 500MB. Also, the total memory per account is only 188 MB so... yeah. That's gonna have to be put on hold until I can find a way around that. Maybe just sound or something... But that'll take time... Or I might just transcribe the videos... But a quick recap, I say nothing worthwhile, then I cry about bullshit like how I feel like no one seems to care about me and blah blah blah while very very intoxicated. Then I calm down. End of. All that has taken up over half an hour of videoing. HA! But yeah... Gotta wait for that... Ciao! xxx

Hey all, just a quick post to say I AM indeed alive. Just had a lot on my plate and a shit laptop, so not been able to type it all up. But I've decided to try and do a daily video blog type thing. So lets see how that goes! Unfortunately, I am currently in shit internet zone so won't be able to upload anything until wednesday (9th september) at the earliest. Hope all's well! xxx

So it turns out my friend was just hiding in a cupboard upstairs and wanted to be alone. It's ok, she didn't know what had happened. I feel kinda pathetic crying about it now but I suppose it's understandable. But now she's told me she self harms as well. Bless her, she started crying when I gave her a hug cos she felt so bad about upsetting me. I do love her. She's one of my closest friends at uni so it's hardly surprising it upset me so much.

It just sucks right now. I have a few minutes so I'll write a quick post. I've just had a lot of stuff bubbling at the surface recently. But I've been trying not to let it out until after my exams because I didn't want it to affect my exams. So my exams finished last week and since that night, there's been one thing after the other with my friends and everyone's been trying to sort them out so I've been keeping it all inside trying to wait until things had calmed down a little and I could talk to someone without burdening them with my own problems on top of their own and others.

It's been stupid stuff, like Dickhead's been on my mind a lot. It's just been stuff like feeling quite stupid about what happened and how I reacted. For example, the last time I had a few too many drinks, I had a major breakdown in front of my local pub and started shouting about how I had to talk to him and shouting at people to get him to talk to me and then started crying to him about how I missed him and needed him in my life and, in a small part, missed the sex and how I still feel torn between him and others who could give me what I want just because I fell for him. It's just that I met this guy recently through a friend, and I like him but I couldn't bring myself to make a move even though it was evident that he liked me as well because I had dickhead running through my head and just kept thinking about how I wanted to be with him. It's made me hate him a little more but it's still far from over. I still have to deal with knowing him. Seeing him most of the times that I go out. Seeing him walking past my house, or just driving past, when I look out of the window and it's just still getting to me.

But aside from him, I'm starting to worry about university as well. It's like, will I even pass the simplest year of my university life because right now it feels like I won't and it's just getting to me. I've already failed one module and I'm scared I've failed at least two more this time, and I know the first year results don't count towards the final degree but if I'm failing the first year, how the hell am I going to pass later years? It just makes no sense.

And then there's money. Always a problem. I've had to pay ridiculous bills and have no money left so I'm scrounging money off my parents which is ok but I'd really rather not do it. It's not something that makes me happy. And that's then making things with my family awkward because I'm not happy about it so sound low almost every time I speak to them so they're constantly worried and calling to ask if I'm ok and I can't talk to my family about this so it's just making me feel worse because I want to talk about things but can't. It's all a bit sucky.

Thing is, things aren't even that bad right now. It's just that I can't talk about them and that there's so much going on with my friends and it's getting to me so it's a bit shitty right now. I'm just having a few problems dealing with all this. It's not something I'm enjoying. I'll write a longer post soon with details of everything. Quite possibly tonight itself, depending on when people go to sleep. But knowing me right now, considering I've been crying and will carry on doing so in the shower right now will lead to me falling asleep as soon as I hit the pillow. Well, sofa cushion.

Ciao.

Ok, this is not the whole thing as promised but I had to vent right about now so here I am.

I've spent the last 3 days with the same group of friends. At first, we were all ok. Fine, having a laugh. Then, one breaks down because she likes a guy in our circle of friends who doesn't like her. But it seems like she's dealing with it so we help her along but it doesn't look like it's going too badly. So we just say we're here when she needs us and leave it as we don't want to push her. The next day, another friend breaks up with her boyfriend of 2 years and is a wreck so we spend ages consoling her and looking after her. All this time, the first friend seems ok. Then just around half an hour ago, she disappears. We were all walking around and doing different things so no one noticed. Now we have noticed and no one knows where the hell she is. So we try calling her, we try texting her, she doesn't answer her calls and the only reply we get is that she's ok and on her own. But at this time of the night? In this area? What the fuck is she thinking? Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and I appreciate that everyone has their own things to deal with but seriously? Why flip right now? We were all getting along just fine. She had told me she wants to talk to me alone tonight but we hadn't got the chance so it hasn't happened because we've been surrounded by people and now this. I just don't know what to think. Two of my friends have gone out looking for her but she could be anywhere. This is fucking ridiculous.

What I don't get is whether she's being attention seeking or what. What the fuck is going on? Just when I thought we were all getting along fine and that past things had left no awkward feelings, this goes and happens. Why? Yes, the guy she likes is here but she's been fine so far. Hell, we were al bundled in a make shift bed on the floor last night, everyone being cuddly and all. It just makes no sense why she's doing this. She's the one who invited us round to hers. She's the one who decided to have this night. And yet she's gone and wandered off alone. Why?

it makes no sense to me. I'm hoping we get her back in one piece and all ok but I have no idea right now. I'm worried sick. I don't know what's happening. I want to know what the fuck is going on! But she won't say anything. I'm sorry, this might be selfish but I'm dealing with my own things right now. I can't bear the idea of losing a close friend right now. And especially not because she decided to wander off on her own without telling anyone anything or answering her phone. Fucking ridiculous. Is it too much to ask to find out what's happening? It's past midnight, we're not in the safest area.

Ok so my two friends are back. And now, it turns out one of the knows where she is but she doesn't want anyone else to know. And we still don't know what the fuck is going on. It's fucking ridiculous. I've lost people because they've wandered off alone. This is one thing I can't deal with. I'm not losing another friend like this. Is it my fault? She said she wanted to talk to me. Is it because I didn't talk to her when she got back? I've already lost two people cos they've wandered off alone. And now, apparently she's ok but I can't be sure until she's back and it's pissing me off. It's bringing it back. Very few things scare me. But losing friends like this does. I just hope she gets back soon.

There will be a post to follow soon. I am not dead! =P nor have I forgotten. I have be busy and have had lack of internet accessage =P

I was going to write a long post right now but I'm sleepy so I will write it when I get back to my lovely room and post it when I get on the internet next!

Love ye alls!

Ciao xxx

Ok I'm very very very VERY happy today. I had a brilliant night last night and today has started off brilliantly. I am not waiting for my friend to be free cos she's gonna do my hair for me before my seminar and it should be gooooood! =D And tonight should be brilliant! Oooo I can't wait! I'm getting pressies from my friends and all! =D Honestly, I would have been happy with a drink but yay! I get pressies! =D Me sho happy!!!!

Anyway, yeah. It should be a good day! I'll get some pictures for ya'll to see cos I will look GORGEOUS! =D

Now, I'm going to go get some food because I haven't eaten (as always) and am hungry now. And since I'm going to be drinking a LOT and getting no sleep for the next 3 days, I think I need to eat a good meal. Me thinks sausages, mash and peas with onion gravy again! =D

Ciao!!

x

I don't know, to be honest. It's been a bit of a rollercoaster week. I've had these brilliant highs where I feel like I can do anything but then I get into these lows where I feel like I'm ready to pack it in and say two fingers to the world, I'm out of here.

I went home for the weekend. It was ok. The highlights were that my dad got me a new phone which is absolutely brilliant. It's a chinese make. It's tiny and it's got a strap so I can wear it like a watch =P it made me happy. and we went to harvesters for a meal. the down points were seeing my family. spending time with my family. oh, and going home. and now my mother has decided that she will have her birthday do the weekend I was gonna have a house party for my own birthday at university. and she refuses to change the date. so I've had to change my plans. aint she lovely! I'd already made my plans before she fucking decided yet I'm the one who has to change everything. asking her to plan it around my own plans would just be asking too much now, wouldn't it?

S... he's been there a bit. I've had a few rants around him. and we had an amazing - and I mean AMAZING - night recently. Apparently, I look like a goddess. Who'd have thought that? I certainly didn't! But who am I to complain, eh? =P that cheered me up. And while we were enjoying each others' company, as it were, he had this look in his eye that I hadn't seen before and it kinda scared me a little, to be honest. I don't know what to make of it. It just confused me. And I have no clue what it meant. But it doesn't matter. It was a good night =P

I've been going out a little this week. But I've spent a long time by myself in my room which hasn't been ideal. I've had these thoughts going through my head and don't know what to make of them, either. I'm just lost. I can't decide what I want. I don't know what's going on with my friends or my family or anything. And it's infuriating at times. I've spent too long in my own company now. I need to be around people but eveyone has their own plans and I can't be the person to invite myself along. It's just not me.

Anyway, there's not really a lot to talk about. I got sexy new glasses. I look good. =P

Anyway, I'm going to go get the bus back to mine and spend yet more time alone. Fun times! I'm gonna see if S is busy. I could do with company tonight. And no, not just the time in bed. I need to talk to someone. I need to know what's going on in my head. I need to talk to him and find out what he's playing at. More news tomorrow!

x

Ok so I know I should let him go and move on. I WILL find a guy eventually, who'll treat me right and love me as much as I can love them but I can't let him go. For the first time in, well, my life, I've found someone I want to tell everything to. I've told him things I haven't been able to let out here. I haven't spoken to anyone about them and for some reason, I can talk to him!

He's being a bit of a wanker, I'll admit but still =( Why do I always seem to go for guys that are bad for me? Or fuck me about? Or are unavailable? Or all of them?! I'm not a bad person, in my own opinion. Yes, I have my flaws but find me one person who's perfect and I'll cut my own legs off! Who doesn't have flaws? Our flaws are what makes us individuals!

But I still seem to find the wrong guys... Maybe it's just the thing right now. Maybe I'll find someone eventually and I'll have a good life. Then, I might be able to look back at all this and decide it was all worth it in the end. I'm on the train to Happiness but I can't change the fact that it has to stop in Disasterville or Heartbreak City! It's all part of the journey, honey!

Ok, I'm going to go now. Just needed that quick rant. I am going to go and... well, vegetate somewhere else. Possibly go enjoy a few cancer sticks while I wait for my friend to come back from her lecture. We're having a girly night! =D

so the lat post mentioned how me and S were getting close and how he said he wanted more and bullshit. Well, the next day he calls to tell me he can't do the emotional side of things and that we need to talk because he likes me but he's just come out of his marriage and he doesn't want to screw me over so blah blah blah. Well, we were meant to talk a couple of times but he kept flaking out. I finally went over to his to sort this out and we've decided we're not in a relationship but we're more than just friends or fuck buddies.

But he's flaky as fuck! It's getting on my nerves. I can't say anything now cos we're not in a relationship but if we do ever get there and he's as flaky as he is now, it won't last long. I don't like it when people make plans then cancel because of whatever reason unless it's important. Like I was planning on cooking last night just cos I could (I'd gone food shopping so I had all the ingredients =P ) and he was like yeah cool. He'll come over after he's been to the gym. But then just before he was meant to come round, he says some friends have asked him out for a drink instead so can we do it tomorrow instead.

Obviously, being lovely as I am, I said sure and didn't kick up a fuss but FOR FUCKS SAKE!

And it's pissing me off cos he keeps sending such mixed messages! One day, he's saying he wants more. The next, he can't do the emotional thing. One day he doesn't care if people know. The next, he wants it kept secret. The list goes on. And on. And on. AGH! Guys drive me insane. Maybe I should just answer the lesbian calling and find myself a lovely girlfriend. Girls are so much easier to deal with!

What really sucks is that I really like this guy and I'm willing - yes, very happily willing! - to wait for him. But it's driving me crazy at the same time!

Why are matters of the heart so fucking complicated? It's ridiculous, I tell you! We should just give up on words and live according to the id. Fuck the rest. Emotions, words and the like just confuse life! =(

Ok, I need to breathe. *takes a few deep breaths*. OH MY DAYS! Last night was crazy. First, M calls and asks if I wanna go out for a drink. Erm, no. A few hours later, S asks and I was bored and don't mind his company so I said yes. Anyway, craziness ensues. By the time we get to the pub, they've stopped serving. Oh well. S, two friends G and A and myself decide to go to S's flat cos he's got drinks. A goes off first to drop his girlfriend to her flat cos she's tired. G goes to get herself a burger. I stay behind with S while he got some cash out and then... We started kissing on the road side and G sees us. She's asked me earlier if I'd been sleeping with S but I said no cos I didn't know if he wanted people to know. Anyway, she now knew. This carries on for a while... We go to finally meet up with the others again but just before we do, S starts talking about how he'd cut things off with any other casual people if he got into a monogamous relationship but that would be mean to be but I don't want a relationship anyway. That's not what I'd said. I cleared it up and said it's just that a guy needs to understand a few things and deal with a few things if anything's gonna happen. Basically, long story short, he told me he wanted something more. With me. But at the end of the day, it was down to me. Needless to say, I said yes!

So it's official. Little ol' me is in a relationship, of sorts! And when I came into uni today, I had people ask why I was so happy. We spent last night just cuddling and being all cutesy. It was nice =) I gave him a kiss goodbye this morning when he went back to his flat and I went to the bus stop to come to uni and it was so nice. I forgot how nice a relationship can feel.

But he wears socks to bed. That's a little annoying. But I can deal with that =P Speaking of whom, he's just text me. Saying we need to talk about what we want/expect. He wants to talk! Since when do guys wanna talk? This is brilliant! =D

I'm happy =) This is incredible. He's such a brilliant guy. And we click on so many levels. And he mentioned this before the talk, but it's quite crazy but we've become really close cos of the whole sex thing. It's cos we'd talk afterwards and just talk which wouldn't have happened if we hadn't slept together. It's crazy... But it's so nice! =) I'm happy! =D

Anyway, I have to go. I have my last exam in just over an hour and I need to get my notes in order. (It's open book =P ACE! =P )

Ciao, lovelies! =D