Home At Last

Ok, so, last night, yeah. Good times. Errr went to the gay club I go to almost every wednesday. But last night was special. I went to a gay bar, dressed in horrid clothes, looking like shit, no make up on, nothing to make myself look pretty, my hair a mess and all that. Normally I'd put a bit of effort in, and do some make up at least. But nope, none of that. But it turned out to be the best night EVER! =D

It seems the advice 'be yourself' actually holds some water! I did just that last night, and managed to pull 4 guys (in a gay bar!) who were all very aware that I was a girl, before you ask =P I checked! =P but yeah! Turns out when I make no effort, I'm actually attractive! Or maybe everyone was just very drunk... I prefer the other explanation! =P

So yeah, that's put me in a rather epic mood for the last day! =D But it's got me down a little cos my best mate and my housemate might be breaking up tonight. Yeah, awkward, cos I love him to bits, but I live with her, so it'll be fun... Yeah... It won't bring me down though, hell no!

It doesn't affect me directly, things are all good, I'm feeling pretty damn confident, it's all good right now! =D

Anyway, time to watch (or attempt to watch) a movie and get some sleep. Long day ahead of me! =P Good times, and all that jazz! =D

Much love to all!!!! xxxxxx

Yeah... I know I've been gone a long time... It's just been a crazy time... A lot's gone on. A lot's changed. I've changed. And it's not all good...

I still feel a bit shit. Ok, very shit. I don't feel as left out as I used to. I've been talking to my mates a lot more recently, and they understand how I feel and are helping me along. They realised that all the time they spent with their partners not only made me feel incredibly useless, ugly and relationship-unworthy, but made me feel like I was sitting on the outer circle of our friends circle despite them raving on about how I 'got them together, am the glue holding the group together' and so on. They're helping as best as they can. But the problem seems to be a lot more deep seated than I thought... It feels like I can't bear to be alone. All my friends - bar 2, who live too far away to spend much time with - are in relationships. And it still means I'm often left alone.

I used to love spending time on my own, just thinking and getting myself sorted. But it feels like I can't do that anymore. Every time I'm alone nowadays, I feel like shit, and can't get myself out of this hideous rut, getting me really low and often breaking down. But I don't entirely get why! I mean, things with my friends are better than ever, things at home are great (I'm actually CHOOSING to spend the weekend with the family!), uni is going fine, I'm comfortable financially. Things are going well EVERYWHERE apart from love life.

This is where the taboo topic comes in... I've been going on websites to find just casual hook-ups. I've met 1 guy so far, and am thinking about a couple of more guys... What makes it worse is that the one guy I like has made it clear he wants nothing more than a bit of casual fun. Which is fine, seeing as that's what I signed up for (Literally!), but it does hurt that yet again, someone I like just isn't interested.

Talking to guys I like who aren't interested, lets go to my mate, W. Now, I really - and I mean REALLY - liked him. But that went down hill. He was giving signs and all, and I thought oo this could go somewhere! But then it turns out he wasn't interested. And not just that, he asked me about my housemate. Which then pissed me off and made me shout at my housemate, who happens to be a brilliant friend of mine. So that fucked me over. Majorly. And things are just getting on top of me in that department - and not in a good way. There's too much to talk about right now. It's late. I'm tired. And I'm on the verge of tears, anyway. So while this will be the end of this post, fear not. There will be many, MANY more posts to come in the next few weeks. I've got a lot to rant about. And it'll just keep coming...

So ciao for now, my long lost friends! It feels good to be back. Rant over. For now.

Ok so I was meant to be doing the video bloggyness, but unfortunately, it seems the media upload limit is only 200 MB per upload and my shortest video so far is over 500MB. Also, the total memory per account is only 188 MB so... yeah. That's gonna have to be put on hold until I can find a way around that. Maybe just sound or something... But that'll take time... Or I might just transcribe the videos... But a quick recap, I say nothing worthwhile, then I cry about bullshit like how I feel like no one seems to care about me and blah blah blah while very very intoxicated. Then I calm down. End of. All that has taken up over half an hour of videoing. HA! But yeah... Gotta wait for that... Ciao! xxx

Hey all, just a quick post to say I AM indeed alive. Just had a lot on my plate and a shit laptop, so not been able to type it all up. But I've decided to try and do a daily video blog type thing. So lets see how that goes! Unfortunately, I am currently in shit internet zone so won't be able to upload anything until wednesday (9th september) at the earliest. Hope all's well! xxx

So it turns out my friend was just hiding in a cupboard upstairs and wanted to be alone. It's ok, she didn't know what had happened. I feel kinda pathetic crying about it now but I suppose it's understandable. But now she's told me she self harms as well. Bless her, she started crying when I gave her a hug cos she felt so bad about upsetting me. I do love her. She's one of my closest friends at uni so it's hardly surprising it upset me so much.

It just sucks right now. I have a few minutes so I'll write a quick post. I've just had a lot of stuff bubbling at the surface recently. But I've been trying not to let it out until after my exams because I didn't want it to affect my exams. So my exams finished last week and since that night, there's been one thing after the other with my friends and everyone's been trying to sort them out so I've been keeping it all inside trying to wait until things had calmed down a little and I could talk to someone without burdening them with my own problems on top of their own and others.

It's been stupid stuff, like Dickhead's been on my mind a lot. It's just been stuff like feeling quite stupid about what happened and how I reacted. For example, the last time I had a few too many drinks, I had a major breakdown in front of my local pub and started shouting about how I had to talk to him and shouting at people to get him to talk to me and then started crying to him about how I missed him and needed him in my life and, in a small part, missed the sex and how I still feel torn between him and others who could give me what I want just because I fell for him. It's just that I met this guy recently through a friend, and I like him but I couldn't bring myself to make a move even though it was evident that he liked me as well because I had dickhead running through my head and just kept thinking about how I wanted to be with him. It's made me hate him a little more but it's still far from over. I still have to deal with knowing him. Seeing him most of the times that I go out. Seeing him walking past my house, or just driving past, when I look out of the window and it's just still getting to me.

But aside from him, I'm starting to worry about university as well. It's like, will I even pass the simplest year of my university life because right now it feels like I won't and it's just getting to me. I've already failed one module and I'm scared I've failed at least two more this time, and I know the first year results don't count towards the final degree but if I'm failing the first year, how the hell am I going to pass later years? It just makes no sense.

And then there's money. Always a problem. I've had to pay ridiculous bills and have no money left so I'm scrounging money off my parents which is ok but I'd really rather not do it. It's not something that makes me happy. And that's then making things with my family awkward because I'm not happy about it so sound low almost every time I speak to them so they're constantly worried and calling to ask if I'm ok and I can't talk to my family about this so it's just making me feel worse because I want to talk about things but can't. It's all a bit sucky.

Thing is, things aren't even that bad right now. It's just that I can't talk about them and that there's so much going on with my friends and it's getting to me so it's a bit shitty right now. I'm just having a few problems dealing with all this. It's not something I'm enjoying. I'll write a longer post soon with details of everything. Quite possibly tonight itself, depending on when people go to sleep. But knowing me right now, considering I've been crying and will carry on doing so in the shower right now will lead to me falling asleep as soon as I hit the pillow. Well, sofa cushion.

Ciao.

Ok, this is not the whole thing as promised but I had to vent right about now so here I am.

I've spent the last 3 days with the same group of friends. At first, we were all ok. Fine, having a laugh. Then, one breaks down because she likes a guy in our circle of friends who doesn't like her. But it seems like she's dealing with it so we help her along but it doesn't look like it's going too badly. So we just say we're here when she needs us and leave it as we don't want to push her. The next day, another friend breaks up with her boyfriend of 2 years and is a wreck so we spend ages consoling her and looking after her. All this time, the first friend seems ok. Then just around half an hour ago, she disappears. We were all walking around and doing different things so no one noticed. Now we have noticed and no one knows where the hell she is. So we try calling her, we try texting her, she doesn't answer her calls and the only reply we get is that she's ok and on her own. But at this time of the night? In this area? What the fuck is she thinking? Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and I appreciate that everyone has their own things to deal with but seriously? Why flip right now? We were all getting along just fine. She had told me she wants to talk to me alone tonight but we hadn't got the chance so it hasn't happened because we've been surrounded by people and now this. I just don't know what to think. Two of my friends have gone out looking for her but she could be anywhere. This is fucking ridiculous.

What I don't get is whether she's being attention seeking or what. What the fuck is going on? Just when I thought we were all getting along fine and that past things had left no awkward feelings, this goes and happens. Why? Yes, the guy she likes is here but she's been fine so far. Hell, we were al bundled in a make shift bed on the floor last night, everyone being cuddly and all. It just makes no sense why she's doing this. She's the one who invited us round to hers. She's the one who decided to have this night. And yet she's gone and wandered off alone. Why?

it makes no sense to me. I'm hoping we get her back in one piece and all ok but I have no idea right now. I'm worried sick. I don't know what's happening. I want to know what the fuck is going on! But she won't say anything. I'm sorry, this might be selfish but I'm dealing with my own things right now. I can't bear the idea of losing a close friend right now. And especially not because she decided to wander off on her own without telling anyone anything or answering her phone. Fucking ridiculous. Is it too much to ask to find out what's happening? It's past midnight, we're not in the safest area.

Ok so my two friends are back. And now, it turns out one of the knows where she is but she doesn't want anyone else to know. And we still don't know what the fuck is going on. It's fucking ridiculous. I've lost people because they've wandered off alone. This is one thing I can't deal with. I'm not losing another friend like this. Is it my fault? She said she wanted to talk to me. Is it because I didn't talk to her when she got back? I've already lost two people cos they've wandered off alone. And now, apparently she's ok but I can't be sure until she's back and it's pissing me off. It's bringing it back. Very few things scare me. But losing friends like this does. I just hope she gets back soon.

There will be a post to follow soon. I am not dead! =P nor have I forgotten. I have be busy and have had lack of internet accessage =P

I was going to write a long post right now but I'm sleepy so I will write it when I get back to my lovely room and post it when I get on the internet next!

Love ye alls!

Ciao xxx

Ok I'm very very very VERY happy today. I had a brilliant night last night and today has started off brilliantly. I am not waiting for my friend to be free cos she's gonna do my hair for me before my seminar and it should be gooooood! =D And tonight should be brilliant! Oooo I can't wait! I'm getting pressies from my friends and all! =D Honestly, I would have been happy with a drink but yay! I get pressies! =D Me sho happy!!!!

Anyway, yeah. It should be a good day! I'll get some pictures for ya'll to see cos I will look GORGEOUS! =D

Now, I'm going to go get some food because I haven't eaten (as always) and am hungry now. And since I'm going to be drinking a LOT and getting no sleep for the next 3 days, I think I need to eat a good meal. Me thinks sausages, mash and peas with onion gravy again! =D

Ciao!!

x

I don't know, to be honest. It's been a bit of a rollercoaster week. I've had these brilliant highs where I feel like I can do anything but then I get into these lows where I feel like I'm ready to pack it in and say two fingers to the world, I'm out of here.

I went home for the weekend. It was ok. The highlights were that my dad got me a new phone which is absolutely brilliant. It's a chinese make. It's tiny and it's got a strap so I can wear it like a watch =P it made me happy. and we went to harvesters for a meal. the down points were seeing my family. spending time with my family. oh, and going home. and now my mother has decided that she will have her birthday do the weekend I was gonna have a house party for my own birthday at university. and she refuses to change the date. so I've had to change my plans. aint she lovely! I'd already made my plans before she fucking decided yet I'm the one who has to change everything. asking her to plan it around my own plans would just be asking too much now, wouldn't it?

S... he's been there a bit. I've had a few rants around him. and we had an amazing - and I mean AMAZING - night recently. Apparently, I look like a goddess. Who'd have thought that? I certainly didn't! But who am I to complain, eh? =P that cheered me up. And while we were enjoying each others' company, as it were, he had this look in his eye that I hadn't seen before and it kinda scared me a little, to be honest. I don't know what to make of it. It just confused me. And I have no clue what it meant. But it doesn't matter. It was a good night =P

I've been going out a little this week. But I've spent a long time by myself in my room which hasn't been ideal. I've had these thoughts going through my head and don't know what to make of them, either. I'm just lost. I can't decide what I want. I don't know what's going on with my friends or my family or anything. And it's infuriating at times. I've spent too long in my own company now. I need to be around people but eveyone has their own plans and I can't be the person to invite myself along. It's just not me.

Anyway, there's not really a lot to talk about. I got sexy new glasses. I look good. =P

Anyway, I'm going to go get the bus back to mine and spend yet more time alone. Fun times! I'm gonna see if S is busy. I could do with company tonight. And no, not just the time in bed. I need to talk to someone. I need to know what's going on in my head. I need to talk to him and find out what he's playing at. More news tomorrow!

x

Ok so I know I should let him go and move on. I WILL find a guy eventually, who'll treat me right and love me as much as I can love them but I can't let him go. For the first time in, well, my life, I've found someone I want to tell everything to. I've told him things I haven't been able to let out here. I haven't spoken to anyone about them and for some reason, I can talk to him!

He's being a bit of a wanker, I'll admit but still =( Why do I always seem to go for guys that are bad for me? Or fuck me about? Or are unavailable? Or all of them?! I'm not a bad person, in my own opinion. Yes, I have my flaws but find me one person who's perfect and I'll cut my own legs off! Who doesn't have flaws? Our flaws are what makes us individuals!

But I still seem to find the wrong guys... Maybe it's just the thing right now. Maybe I'll find someone eventually and I'll have a good life. Then, I might be able to look back at all this and decide it was all worth it in the end. I'm on the train to Happiness but I can't change the fact that it has to stop in Disasterville or Heartbreak City! It's all part of the journey, honey!

Ok, I'm going to go now. Just needed that quick rant. I am going to go and... well, vegetate somewhere else. Possibly go enjoy a few cancer sticks while I wait for my friend to come back from her lecture. We're having a girly night! =D