Home At Last

Ok so I know I should let him go and move on. I WILL find a guy eventually, who'll treat me right and love me as much as I can love them but I can't let him go. For the first time in, well, my life, I've found someone I want to tell everything to. I've told him things I haven't been able to let out here. I haven't spoken to anyone about them and for some reason, I can talk to him!

He's being a bit of a wanker, I'll admit but still =( Why do I always seem to go for guys that are bad for me? Or fuck me about? Or are unavailable? Or all of them?! I'm not a bad person, in my own opinion. Yes, I have my flaws but find me one person who's perfect and I'll cut my own legs off! Who doesn't have flaws? Our flaws are what makes us individuals!

But I still seem to find the wrong guys... Maybe it's just the thing right now. Maybe I'll find someone eventually and I'll have a good life. Then, I might be able to look back at all this and decide it was all worth it in the end. I'm on the train to Happiness but I can't change the fact that it has to stop in Disasterville or Heartbreak City! It's all part of the journey, honey!

Ok, I'm going to go now. Just needed that quick rant. I am going to go and... well, vegetate somewhere else. Possibly go enjoy a few cancer sticks while I wait for my friend to come back from her lecture. We're having a girly night! =D

so the lat post mentioned how me and S were getting close and how he said he wanted more and bullshit. Well, the next day he calls to tell me he can't do the emotional side of things and that we need to talk because he likes me but he's just come out of his marriage and he doesn't want to screw me over so blah blah blah. Well, we were meant to talk a couple of times but he kept flaking out. I finally went over to his to sort this out and we've decided we're not in a relationship but we're more than just friends or fuck buddies.

But he's flaky as fuck! It's getting on my nerves. I can't say anything now cos we're not in a relationship but if we do ever get there and he's as flaky as he is now, it won't last long. I don't like it when people make plans then cancel because of whatever reason unless it's important. Like I was planning on cooking last night just cos I could (I'd gone food shopping so I had all the ingredients =P ) and he was like yeah cool. He'll come over after he's been to the gym. But then just before he was meant to come round, he says some friends have asked him out for a drink instead so can we do it tomorrow instead.

Obviously, being lovely as I am, I said sure and didn't kick up a fuss but FOR FUCKS SAKE!

And it's pissing me off cos he keeps sending such mixed messages! One day, he's saying he wants more. The next, he can't do the emotional thing. One day he doesn't care if people know. The next, he wants it kept secret. The list goes on. And on. And on. AGH! Guys drive me insane. Maybe I should just answer the lesbian calling and find myself a lovely girlfriend. Girls are so much easier to deal with!

What really sucks is that I really like this guy and I'm willing - yes, very happily willing! - to wait for him. But it's driving me crazy at the same time!

Why are matters of the heart so fucking complicated? It's ridiculous, I tell you! We should just give up on words and live according to the id. Fuck the rest. Emotions, words and the like just confuse life! =(

Ok, I need to breathe. *takes a few deep breaths*. OH MY DAYS! Last night was crazy. First, M calls and asks if I wanna go out for a drink. Erm, no. A few hours later, S asks and I was bored and don't mind his company so I said yes. Anyway, craziness ensues. By the time we get to the pub, they've stopped serving. Oh well. S, two friends G and A and myself decide to go to S's flat cos he's got drinks. A goes off first to drop his girlfriend to her flat cos she's tired. G goes to get herself a burger. I stay behind with S while he got some cash out and then... We started kissing on the road side and G sees us. She's asked me earlier if I'd been sleeping with S but I said no cos I didn't know if he wanted people to know. Anyway, she now knew. This carries on for a while... We go to finally meet up with the others again but just before we do, S starts talking about how he'd cut things off with any other casual people if he got into a monogamous relationship but that would be mean to be but I don't want a relationship anyway. That's not what I'd said. I cleared it up and said it's just that a guy needs to understand a few things and deal with a few things if anything's gonna happen. Basically, long story short, he told me he wanted something more. With me. But at the end of the day, it was down to me. Needless to say, I said yes!

So it's official. Little ol' me is in a relationship, of sorts! And when I came into uni today, I had people ask why I was so happy. We spent last night just cuddling and being all cutesy. It was nice =) I gave him a kiss goodbye this morning when he went back to his flat and I went to the bus stop to come to uni and it was so nice. I forgot how nice a relationship can feel.

But he wears socks to bed. That's a little annoying. But I can deal with that =P Speaking of whom, he's just text me. Saying we need to talk about what we want/expect. He wants to talk! Since when do guys wanna talk? This is brilliant! =D

I'm happy =) This is incredible. He's such a brilliant guy. And we click on so many levels. And he mentioned this before the talk, but it's quite crazy but we've become really close cos of the whole sex thing. It's cos we'd talk afterwards and just talk which wouldn't have happened if we hadn't slept together. It's crazy... But it's so nice! =) I'm happy! =D

Anyway, I have to go. I have my last exam in just over an hour and I need to get my notes in order. (It's open book =P ACE! =P )

Ciao, lovelies! =D

Well it's a good life, but jeez!
Life at uni cannot even come close to comparing to my old life.
I went home for Christmas and I wish I hadn't. I knew life at home was stressful but I never realised just how much it annoyed me to be home! Plus it really didn't help that I was very, very unwell and lost my voice for a total of 5 days. Now, most of you might not know this but I'm the kind of person that loves to talk. And without my voice, I was truly lost! But it's ok. I've got my voice back and I can talk again =)
My smoking probably doesn't help matters... Ahem... Anyway...

Life at uni... It's a ball, to say the least. I haven't had this much fun, or been this happy genuinely, in as long as I can remember. It's amazing to be able to smile a genuine smile, to laugh and mean it, to go out and really enjoy MY life.

I've made some lovely friends here. People I really do love. There are a few people who really are grinding on my nerves but there will always be those people.
Lets talk about one. Lets call him M. Now, me and M ended up having a no strings attached thing going for about two months after a very drunk night and an appetite built up over 11 months. But to be fair, he is not a brilliant guy. Don't get me wrong, he is a nice guy but he bullshits so much. He seems to have some self esteeem issues. He seems to think he can lie about shit that is very obviously not true and the problem then is that everyone humours him because he's a nice guy and no one can say anything! And he's not exactly a great looking guy either, which, yes, is shallow of me and I should look in the mirror and blah blah blah but I've realised all things considered, there's obviously something about me that guys like because I have managed to find another guy who is absolutely GORGEOUS and it's still no strings attached but I'm thinking of making a move at some point cos he's a brilliant guy.

I need a guy who'll listen to me ranting and he himself has said he's one of 'lifes listeners' and is always trying to get me to talk to him but I'm still very wary of talking about some of the things so I keep saying no but it's there. And it's nice. And we talk. And there's no bullshit.

M was really grinding on my nerves so I'm trying to avoid him until he realises things are over because I don't want to say anything. I'm really good friends with him housemates (to the point where I refer to them as 'The Girls' I spend my girly nights with. It's brilliant! =D ) and so I don't want things to be awkward. But they've told me he likes me and wants something more than the no strings thing which is another reason to back off because he's a nice guy but his bullshitting really gets on my nerves. I put up with it long enough. I am NOT dealing with that in a relationship.

S (the new guy) is brilliant, though. We have amazing sex and then we talk. And he's a cuddly sleeper! =D That makes me very happy.

I'm just scared of making a move in case he's not interested in more and then I'll just fuck up a perfectly good friendship and the sex is amazing so don't wanna lose that either =P Yes, I know. I sound like such a slut. But I'm enjoying myself. And I've learnt that as long as I'm happy, that's all that matters. And I'm very happy. It makes a nice change.

My course mates here are brilliant. I get on with them so well. There are a couple of guys who I'm wary of but the other 7 are BRILLIANT! I do love my little group here. We've been getting together every morning before our exam, sitting in the same place in the library and revising while having a laugh and just trying to calm each other down when one gets stressed. It's a good relationship we've got. We really are like one bit married couple, if that makes sense =P It's our way of describing ourselves. It's brilliant. And cos we had all gone home for new years, we didn't have a celebration. And now we're back, we have exams. But we have next week off so we're getting together and having our own new years celebration. It should be fun! =D I can't wait! =D

And I'm going to Wagamamas (*drools at the thought of it*) on Friday with my girls. The girls. I love them! =D We're having a girly day after my last exam. And I'm trying to convince them to come out Friday night cos I really wanna go out and dance my arse off! =P

Wait, no. Not going into town on Friday night. A friend living on the campus near me is having a party at his on Friday night so me and one of the girls is definitely going there! Might convince the other two girls to do that. It'll be cheaper and I still get to dance my ass off! And it's easier to get home after that. No need to pay for a cab! I can just walk the 10 minutes from his flat to my house!

Speaking of house, my housemates are the most amazing people EVER! =D I'm going to miss them all next year. I know I don't spend that much time with them but whenever I do, it's just such a laugh! They're hilarious!

Anyway, I'm going to go now because I'm going to go back to mine, sleep for a couple of hours, then get ready and get completely and utterly wankered tonight! =D I hear tequila beckoning me! =D And ale. Oh, the ale! Good thing my student loan came through on Monday =P Good times! =D

Ciao! x