So it turns out my friend was just hiding in a cupboard upstairs and wanted to be alone. It's ok, she didn't know what had happened. I feel kinda pathetic crying about it now but I suppose it's understandable. But now she's told me she self harms as well. Bless her, she started crying when I gave her a hug cos she felt so bad about upsetting me. I do love her. She's one of my closest friends at uni so it's hardly surprising it upset me so much.
It just sucks right now. I have a few minutes so I'll write a quick post. I've just had a lot of stuff bubbling at the surface recently. But I've been trying not to let it out until after my exams because I didn't want it to affect my exams. So my exams finished last week and since that night, there's been one thing after the other with my friends and everyone's been trying to sort them out so I've been keeping it all inside trying to wait until things had calmed down a little and I could talk to someone without burdening them with my own problems on top of their own and others.
It's been stupid stuff, like Dickhead's been on my mind a lot. It's just been stuff like feeling quite stupid about what happened and how I reacted. For example, the last time I had a few too many drinks, I had a major breakdown in front of my local pub and started shouting about how I had to talk to him and shouting at people to get him to talk to me and then started crying to him about how I missed him and needed him in my life and, in a small part, missed the sex and how I still feel torn between him and others who could give me what I want just because I fell for him. It's just that I met this guy recently through a friend, and I like him but I couldn't bring myself to make a move even though it was evident that he liked me as well because I had dickhead running through my head and just kept thinking about how I wanted to be with him. It's made me hate him a little more but it's still far from over. I still have to deal with knowing him. Seeing him most of the times that I go out. Seeing him walking past my house, or just driving past, when I look out of the window and it's just still getting to me.
But aside from him, I'm starting to worry about university as well. It's like, will I even pass the simplest year of my university life because right now it feels like I won't and it's just getting to me. I've already failed one module and I'm scared I've failed at least two more this time, and I know the first year results don't count towards the final degree but if I'm failing the first year, how the hell am I going to pass later years? It just makes no sense.
And then there's money. Always a problem. I've had to pay ridiculous bills and have no money left so I'm scrounging money off my parents which is ok but I'd really rather not do it. It's not something that makes me happy. And that's then making things with my family awkward because I'm not happy about it so sound low almost every time I speak to them so they're constantly worried and calling to ask if I'm ok and I can't talk to my family about this so it's just making me feel worse because I want to talk about things but can't. It's all a bit sucky.
Thing is, things aren't even that bad right now. It's just that I can't talk about them and that there's so much going on with my friends and it's getting to me so it's a bit shitty right now. I'm just having a few problems dealing with all this. It's not something I'm enjoying. I'll write a longer post soon with details of everything. Quite possibly tonight itself, depending on when people go to sleep. But knowing me right now, considering I've been crying and will carry on doing so in the shower right now will lead to me falling asleep as soon as I hit the pillow. Well, sofa cushion.
Ciao.
